Mood:  caffeinated

Wow....

 It never ceases to amaze me just how much things can change. I was starting college a few months ago, and trying to adjust to not being home as much. I was looking for some kind of good job. Well well well, be careful what you wish for. 

So, I am nearing the end of spring quarter already, and hopefully will make dean's list again. I feel pretty confident I will get an A in most of my classes. I keep trying to tell myself it will not kill me to get a B but I am such an over acheiver.... Anyways, I got a good job... and one that is keeping me extremely busy right now. I am working for a home health care agency out of Gallipolis (about 70 miles away) here in good ole Chillicothe. I am reallt pleased with my job to say the least. The honeymoon phase has ended, but at the end of a shift, I feel very satisfied with helping someone. It is what I have really always wanted to do, so I feel good about it. My boss is fantastic, and works around my college schedule. I still want to be a social worker, and am bound and determined to make it through all this. If I stay with this company, I could move up very fast. It has me thinking a lot about what I want to accomplish in life. I really wanted my MSW, but maybe I could have more job opportunities if I chose to get an RN on top of my BSW and being a LSW.

That would be A LOT of school. Maybe it's a bad idea... eh... I'll just make it the fault of coming off of a 27 1/2 hour shift, and having way too much caffeine

Posted by mandyhalasz at 6:03 PM EDT

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Mood:  accident prone

I stood there for the longest time and then could stand it no longer and crumbled to the floor in agonizing pain. This couldn’t be happening. The tears streamed down my face and created small red splotches on my hands. The pain just wouldn’t stop. I raised my battered and hands to shield the blows but nothing would make the agonizing pain stop. My mouth opened to yell for help but no sound would pass my lips but the guttural moans of my pains. It had to be over soon. The pain was starting to ease. I would sleep. Dreams would come. The dark…the dark…my friend…

I woke up on the kitchen floor. There was dark red on the floor in front of me, then I realized it was dried blood. I waited before I began to move. I knew if I made too much noise, he would come back. All was quiet, he must be gone. I moved my arms slowly to raise myself up. Nothing broken in my arms this time, so maybe I won’t need to go to the hospital. My right index finger was broken but I was well practiced on setting these small breaks. I wiggled my toes, and stood up slowly. I would come back to clean the floor. My vision was still fuzzy but I could see the mess we had created in the living room. I walked in carefully as to avoid the broken glass from the frame that had fallen, and began to clean. He always said I was messy. I shouldn’t make him mad.

The pain was coming back. My face hurts. My head aches. I never felt like this before. Everything was clean so I walked to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror at the mess I was. Surely I was somewhere underneath all the caked and dried blood I saw. Fresh blood began to trickle from my nostril. That was new. I felt so faint. I wondered what happening to me. Lot of blood on florr. Can I lose too much? Ned to get a tissue cant make big mess or he be mad. Head hurts. Why mirror move cant see. Somethg wroooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Posted by mandyhalasz at 1:13 PM EDT

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But then again, I may end up typing away for freaking ever. I'm having a bit of a hard day today, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. Today is my only free day and it has gone great. I have gotten a lot accomplished and cleaned. I think the house was looking awesome before the kids got home. lol. I was sitting here on the couch trying to finish my English report and it dawned on me.... I don't want to be the one forgotten and tossed aside. I don't think anyone wants to be that person.No one wants to face rejection, so do we go with what our fears are? Or do we trust and try again?

So here, I will try to make sense out of all my random thoughts here for you. love someone and have for close to a year. I long to see him every day, I long for his touch, I lust for him, and I can't wait to just be able to get a hug. But in the same sense, even though I love him dearly, I can't see past my own red flags. He has all female friends.... that is a huge red flag for me. I love him so much, but can't shake the feeling he is a typical guy in disguise. I am so sorry if you are reading this too. I have my reasons, and I know it is not right for me to see what you you say is not there. I know I am married. I don't feel anything like this for my husband. I don't long to see him everyday, and I don't lust after him. But on the flip side of that, I know he is here. I know what to expect. He is my friend, I trust him as a friend, and in a lot of ways, he is a part of me too. 

I don't take my marriage vows lightly. In fact I am only 2 more courses away from being board certified as a christian marriage counselor. Scary, isn't it? I firmly believe everyone has these doubts in their lives, when someone looks better, or you drift apart from your spouse. But you said vows for forever and always. You need to take those seriously if you ever hope to find true happiness. The grass will always be greener on the other side, and if you chase the greener grass every time, you will find yourself walking the world, only to end up right back to where you began.

Anyways, since my mind is in overdrive, let me include a little more info about my board certification. I began classes to become a christian counselor in (I think) 2000. I got my certificate, and stopped at that. I got a letter today through the mail telling me I am only 2 courses away from getting my BOARD certification, and I am still eligible for another $300 scholarship. It's distance courses so I think I could still manage that in with school and work.  And btw, did I write about my new job? I am doing home care now with elderly and MRDD. :) Woot for me!!!! Benefits and tuition reimbursement with this job, and it's in my field of study. I'm really happy about it.

And also, Happy Birthday Danny (my bro), and happy birthday Tori in 2 days. :)

Posted by mandyhalasz at 5:12 PM EDT

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The title to this one has a bit of a double meaning for me. First off, I am feed up-and I mean completely fed up- with my husband. We are a family of 5 and for some reason he lacks the ability to get up off his lazy ass and do anything productive. Ok, he works... but he works a minimum wage shit job in wash bay at a local dealership. He seems content to let his past 7 years of parts experience slip down the drain and will not get off his lazy ass to go look for a job. He seems content to do a shitty job for minimum wage, and doesn't want anything better. I am busting my ass to try make it through college. I got fed up recently and said I would just quit school and go back to working in a factory if I knew it would pay the bills. And he is fine with that. He's fine with me throwing away my goals and my dreams just to pay the bills, and so he wouldn't have to work harder then his precious minimum wage job.

So, before I blow a gasket or something from complaining that much (cause believe me, I have plenty to complain about), the second part to this is to say I am thinking about taking out the trash. I tried again, and it's just not working for me at all. He's a lazy bum. He's a lousy dad. And he is horrible husband. I'm not happy at all. So I finally got up the courage to tell my mom today that I am thinking of leaving. I plan on talking to my brother soon and letting him know too. Once I have let most of my family know, and I have their support, I am going to start telling my friends.

My plan is to get a better job, and be more financially independent. Once I have a little bit saved up, I want to start getting stuff together and move it slowly into mom and dad's. They already have all my antiques, so it won't be too hard. Now comes the hard part, I don't know if I want to take the kids with me or not.

The kids are wonderful, and I love them very much. I just wonder how much I am capable of caring for them. I'll be damned if I want to give Robert child support or anything like that. But I wonder if the kids would really be happy with me. If I am working full time, and going to school full time, when would I even be able to spend time with the kids? I don't know where I am living yet, so how the hell am I really going to be able to give them a stable environment? I keep thinking I could get thru school and get a really good job, then the kids can come live with me. They would be a little older, and it would be easier for them to adapt. I could prove to them why I left, and show them a better life.

Oh well, I am going to try to busy myself with good things....or try to. Have a better evening than me everyone-if anyone even reads this.

:* 

Posted by mandyhalasz at 11:58 PM EDT

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Mood:  chillin'

I have taken a bit of a break from writing on here to get a little more organized for classes. Like that really worked *insert eye roll here*. Anyways, I am taking a break from endless reports to write on here a little.

I was sitting in my car the other day and had a very strange thought... I realized I am much too electronic dependent. I was literally plugged into my car the other day! My car has keyless entry, and many digital goodies and on top of that, I was driving with my ipod in my ears, my cell phone plugged into my car so it could charge, and had my laptop in my bookbag beside me. Even now I am sitting inside on a beautiful 72 degree day writing a report on my laptop, and watching tv. My 3 year old is playing on the computer downstairs. Yes, my 3 year old.

I see people in my algebra class unable to function well in the class without the use of a calculator. I find myself having to think longer than I ever have to multiply in my head. I am unable to go a day without my cell phone for fear it will bring on an anxiety attack. The scariest part was, when I used the house phone to call my husband, I couldn't remember his cell phone number.

Is our world coming to the point where we will no longer be able to function without electronics? I loved being a cashier for the longest time, just because of the praise I would receive from older people for counting back their change. I never realized it is something fewer numbers of people are able to do. Hell, I honestly don't remember what I did for information without the internet. Being in the process of buying a home has forced me into searching for numerous things from home listings to financial information every day.

So if we are becoming an electronically dependent society, how does this harm how we interact with people in person? I am studying to become a social worker and hope to land myself into family and marriage counseling down the road. Will I even see my clients in person once that time comes? I truly believe it damages our ability to have healthy non-verbal and verbal communication. We will come to the point where verbal tones will become mis-read, eye contact techniques will be lost, and our libraries and scholarly resources will begin to become very scarce. If we have knowledge at our fingertips, why would we ever even leave our homes? In fact, a small percentage of the American population already chooses to do just that.

We may be able to pretend we are smarter, but truly, when wisdom finally kicks in, we will realize, we don't know shit.  

Posted by mandyhalasz at 2:35 PM EDT

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Mood:  amorous

I'm sitting at my kitchen table in front of my laptop. My husband is sitting on the couch, and there are 4 kids aged 8 and under somewhere in the house...lol. My best friend is sitting in my living room creating a character for Rock Band. I've been thinking a lot about my best friend lately. I look forward to seeing him everyday. I try to find reasons to snatch a hug every once in a while. Hell, anymore I am finding reasons to just touch him or be close to him! He's taller than me, and there is nothing I love more than laying my head against his chest when he hugs me. He has these incredible eyes that sparkle when he smiles. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. My kids adore him and love to play with him. You would think he was the coolest person in the world. He is in my world. I guess I'm just writing to say I know I have fallen for my best friend. I love him very very much.

I feel guilty about it a lot because I know I am married. I love my husband too, I guess that is why I have never given up on trying to make things work out.  I feel like it is my duty to make sure this marriage works, and our family stays together. It's hard to do when Robert doesn't seem to have any goals for himself, let alone any for our family. It feels like I have to step up and take control of our family sometimes. He makes the money, I try to keep us all together. I'm frustrated and tired daily. I miss being free spirited and creative. I want to be happy again. When I feel stressed and like my life is falling apart, my best friend is always there for me. He is proud of me and encourages me. He knows all about me, and can still put up with me...lol. I wish somehow things could change easily. But I don't think that day will ever come. Even I wonder how long I will sit here and wait before something gets better.

Posted by mandyhalasz at 4:54 PM EDT

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Answer me this... Is it good or harmful to be consistent?

My thoughts stem from this: I finally got most of the rest of my stuff from staying with my parents for a while. While I was sorting through it all this morning, I find paystubs from working in North Carolina. Along with that, I found several other things that reminded me of an almost year long relationship I had with someone else. I ended the relationship very suddenly about a month before our one year anniversary. There was talk of marriage, I got scared, and I left while he was sleeping. I'm not proud of it, and I do regret it simply for how it hurt him.

Given thinking about this past relationship, I wonder if I was consistent in my actions what like would be like right now. I am certain we would be married, have a child, and still be living in North Carolina. I would probably have finished my schooling down there to become a CNA, and be working in a local nursing home with someone I knew there. We would have been able to buy our home, or one closer to both our jobs. We never had much to worry about.  But I wasn't consistent, so now I am on a different path. 

I am married to someone else, have 3 wonderful children, and am finally back to school after a long absence getting a degree in somethink I really want. The job market stinks around here, but we still get by. Money isn't the only thing that makes you successful. :)

Posted by mandyhalasz at 10:04 AM EDT

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How will I make my mark on the world? Where is my lasting legacy to the masses? Where is the proof that I changed at least one life while I was on this earth? Will anyone ever know who I was afte I am gone?

I'm sitting here in from of the computer and it is anything but a quiet Sunday morning. In fact, it is easter morning. First off, I slept in. I am dealing with the guilt of not getting up and doing the obligatory trek to church, but then again, I think it has been about 5 months or so since the last time I even went. I got up, cleaned up the pre-chewed Peep mess my 3 year old left me, and made breakfast. Then out came the easter baskets. The highlight of course were the wind-up "pooping" bunnies that poop out little jelly beans. My kids are sugar covered and hyper and I am praying they will settle down a little before we go out to my parents for dinner. Speaking of, I need to get dressed myself and start making my scalloped potatoes.....

Anyways, today has been a crappy day for me. It is nice to be home and have family time together, and I really really don't want to give that up. But at the same time, I am not very happy. I have no "me-time". I have no time to be creative and express myself. I used to be a very avid writer, but as the kids were born, it seems so much inspiration has left me. I loved having an outlet for my creativity and thoughts. It really made me happy! And now, I feel like all I do is laundry, dishes, cook, and all my other mom and wifely duties. 

To me, there is no satisfaction and creativity in doing the laundry. I'm sure if I let it go for about a week, I could make a sculpture out of it all...lol. There is no lasting legacy is doing the dishes everyday. I want to be remembered for making a difference in the world. Instead, I feel like I will be remembered for my ability to make homemade buckeye candies. I am trying to get through college as fast as I can so I can get a job in the social work field, and in the meanwhile, it seems the best job I can land is working at a gas station or working fast food.  

I want to move to a place where there are more opportunities and some culture. Around here, the best thing to do on a Friday night is walk around Walmart (and I'm really not exagerrating). I want my kids to know more about life then farming and country music. I want a better job for myself. I'm not going to school to become an assistant manager of a gas station. I don't want to live in a town where the best my husband can do in his job is detail cars, and have no opportunity for advancement. Our country is going down the shitter at a fast rate, and I believe things havea  chance to get better, but I want to do what is best for me and my family in the meantime.

Ok, this concludes my ranting for now. :) Have a happy hoppy easter everyone.  

Posted by mandyhalasz at 11:45 AM EDT

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Hahahahahhahahahahahahahha!  Hahhahahahahahahahhahaha! Ok....ok.....deep breath... I think I am finally done laughing...

 Hahhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!  

Ok... seriously. I think am down to a controlable snicker now. Like I mentioned in my first entry to this blog, I live in a small town that never ceases to give me some kind of gripe or amusement. And lucky for you, today I am going to share something I find very amusing.

I am the proud new owner of a laptop, and with this new found gadget, I am intrigued with finding out where I will be able to have wi-fi. So I log onto the local internet provider site (thank you Chris) and see the updated list of wi-fi hotspots. A few of my favorite little eateries are on the list, as well as a few coffee shops. I keep scrolling down.... what the -? 

Oh my, just tell me if you get as excited as I did about this one: the car wash now has wi-fi. So does Mike's barber shop... you know, cause you might wanna surf the net while good ole' Mike is chopping away your hair. And it only gets better as you continue to scroll down to "Coming soon".

The city park will now have wi-fi, (which I think is a little unnecessary, but that's just me).  The best, of course, I have saved for last. Coming soon, Chillicothe will now have a wi-fi connection at...

The courthouse steps 

Hahahahahahahahahhaaaaa 

Posted by mandyhalasz at 6:50 PM EDT

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Mood:  energetic

Welcome to the Snipets from a Scatterbrain! :) Glad you could make it to my new little space on the internet.

Let me begin by introducing myself. My name is Mandy, and I am 26 years old. I live in a little town called Chillicothe which never ceases to give me something to complain about on a daily basis. On May 2008, I will be married for 8 years to my high school sweetheart. I am the very proud mom of 3 kids: Trey is 8, Tori is 5, and David is 3. Think life sounds a little busy with three kids? I am also a full time college student. I am a classic scatterbrain, and an over acheiver driven by perfectionism. If you can figure out what that personality type is, make sure you let me know! 

This blog is more for me than it is anyone else. Who knows, it may contain my deepest darkest secrets, my goals, my dreams, or just stories. I guess it will vary from day to day. No one said I have to be consistent. Aren't the greatest ideas often born from insanity? You will find somedays I will be ranting, complaining, exhausted, depressed, or just dreaming. Whatever may come, I am sure it will be benificial to me somehow. :)

Lift your glasses high whoever may read this, for this is the start of a brand new day. *Cheers* 

Posted by mandyhalasz at 9:01 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, 22 March 2008 4:46 PM EDT

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